As some of you know, and some of you don’t… I have Anorexia.
I say have, because I don’t believe that you can ever have it, and then not. I believe that it sticks with you for life, but with will power and a strong support system, you can manage it and it can no longer have to affect your life.
I got help. I was lucky enough to have had an amazing boyfriend, family and friends to get me through it. I talked to a therapist, and I saw a nutritionist. It was hard. I cried- a lot. I hated myself and I never thought I would see a day when I wouldn’t punish myself for gaining a half pound from day to day, or eat over 300 calories a day.
I saw myself as fat… I saw a failure when I looked in the mirror. I was miserable.
After talking, and opening up… realizing that that wasn’t me. My ED wasn’t me- it was a sick fucking disease… I was able to open my mind to the possibility of being the person I was before I was sick.
We all know my story… I got into lifting, bodybuilding. I stopped caring about the scale and started caring about my PR’s. I was 97lbs deadlifting close to 300lbs. I felt amazing. Alive. Strong. And for the first time in a long time… beautiful.
This is not the cure for everyone. So please don’t misconstrue this as me telling you that you need to get into lifting… because I’m not. What I’m telling you, is that finding something that you LOVE, something that builds you up and gives you purpose can set you free.
I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t step into the weight room. I honestly don’t. But, I’m so glad I did. The woman I see today when I look in the mirror… is the woman I could only have dreamed to have been as a little girl.
Not only am I stronger, not only am I in a much better place… but I am motivated to not only succeed in my fitness life- but in all aspects (family, academic, personal, etc).
After dealing with PCS, Chronic Lyme and Anorexia… the last thing I thought I’d be doing is getting my PhD… the last thing I thought I would be doing is working my way to get my LLC by the age of 22.
Eating Disorders suck. No doubt. Any illness, mental/physical whatever is a set back. But it doesn’t have to ruin your entire life.
It is merely a stepping stone to make you fight… make you work and become a better person.
I would never wish anything that I went through on anyone else. But, it has taught me some valuable lessons, and I am forever grateful for that.
All I ask, is if you are giving up… or don’t want to do this anymore. Just think. You can beat it… you can be you again, or whatever the hell makes you happy.
Recovery is beautiful… and recovery is worth it!
*I am currently eating 2000-3000 calories a day while eating intuitively.